Dystonia and moving on with life

[dsfinley]

Back in September I sat down to practice, went to play my first note and nothing. When I blow my guts out I can play from about F one space below the staff to the E in the staff with a very shaky tone. I’ve advanced in a few auditions and was pretty active as a player, though I’ve never really made enough money to justify the amount of time I spent practicing. Especially with a wife and 2 kids, car payments and a mortgage. I really thought I’d be more distressed about this than I am. Honestly, I feel like I’ve been let out of a self-imposed prison. The amount of anxiety that I place on myself to be as close to perfect as possible for gigs has taken a mighty toll on me mentally, and is probably the cause of my playing problems. I’ve been unhappy with this for years now. Since then I’ve actually sat down to practice piano again and am thinking of joining a choir for pure enjoyment. Something I haven’t really had in music for a while. I could probably get some lessons from someone experienced in this but can I genuinely justify spending that money? I don’t know. Right now I’m enjoying being more present mentally with my wife and kids. I’ve also started the process of joining the Catholic Church and have grown closer to God over this time. I’m getting the sense that he’s knocked down an idol in my life. Maybe I’ll make my way back into tuba. But right now, I’m enjoying life.

I know no one really cares, but there are my thoughts anyway.

[Schlitzz]

The tuba has never been bad to me. When I got out of the Navy fleet bands, it was a few years of not really playing. It changed when I got into big university. I was playing a lot of euph, bass trombone. Started playing again when manageable opportunities came along.

The horn will find you again. Relax, enjoy your family, and faith.

I played Bandology, on tuba, Wednesday night.

[gocsick]

Maybe I’ll make my way back into tuba. But right now, I’m enjoying life.

And that's the important part. Live your best life. Wishing you well on your current journey.

[bloke]

I'm hoping that you can pick up the tuba sometime in the future and find out that the problem has disappeared and go back to enjoying it.

[arpthark]

I also suffered from dystonia-like symptoms. The best thing I ever did for my mental health and wellbeing was putting aside the tuba for five years and coming back later at a different part of my life, on my own terms. Wishing you well. We don’t really need tuba.

[Mary Ann]

If it really is dystonia AND you reach a point where you want to deal with it, the organization called The Embouchure Project can turn it around. I am flat out astonished at the results I am getting after 20 YEARS of not being able to play unless I had not played in a long time. One day after a long break I'd get to play, and the next day it would be in the dumper again, with every attempt sounding like a lip trill, lips fluttering away without any control on my part.

A lot of progress has been made in how to fix this problem, which is absolutely not "psychological." It is physical, and from what I am told 2/3 of people can overcome it with the correct instruction. The problem being that correct instruction has not been out there until pretty recently.

[Wilco]

If I may chip in. I had very mild symptoms. Doug Elliott really helped. After a online lesson with I learned what I need to do, to make seamless transitions between the low and high register and back. And to have some structure and stability in the embouchure. To my mind you need to have some stability and structure, otherwise you are lost.

This is of course my personal experience with him, and there are a lot of people who he helped with good results.

[Mary Ann]

I had a lesson with Doug and it was interesting. However -- he did not find I was doing anything wrong with my embouchure. The evaluation I just had with Gabriel Radford, I found out that the right side of my face is quite weak, and I had no control of some of the facial muscles, while having a lot of control over others. That appears to be a functional problem that I am putting in the effort to reverse, and I am getting some positive results. Not an overnight fix, but enough to give me the motivation to continue. I remain convinced that true dystonia is a neurological problem, and the source is at least partly genetic in terms of susceptibility.

[prairieboy1]

Thank you for sharing this very personal story. Congratulations on making the choices that will give you peace. Playing the tuba is something I have done for over fifty years and sometimes it has felt much more like a job than the career I actually had as a school administrator. I am an amateur player and will never be anything else, however taking a break from it and concentrating on my family and my faith really helped me to re-prioritize my goals and what is really important. Best of luck to you in this new portion of your life.

[anadmai]

This is a very helpful thread.

I too have been struggling with this since the 4yrs I have returned to playing. It's like the muscles on both sides of my face act as if they have no idea who the other is.

I know it's part muscular, part mental...it is still frustrating. I feel I can play well one day and the next it's like I am starting all over again. All I want is consistency. I am still looking for THE person to work with who will understand and help me.

[arpthark]

This is a very helpful thread.

I too have been struggling with this since the 4yrs I have returned to playing. It's like the muscles on both sides of my face act as if they have no idea who the other is.

I know it's part muscular, part mental...it is still frustrating. I feel I can play well one day and the next it's like I am starting all over again. All I want is consistency. I am still looking for THE person to work with who will understand and help me.

Have you worked with Doug Elliott at all?

I had an hour lesson with him over video and it was the best lesson I'd had in years and helped with a lot of similar issues.

[anadmai]

Have you worked with Doug Elliott at all?

I reached out to him one time. He said he would get back to me and never did..

[tubanh84]

Since then I’ve actually sat down to practice piano again and am thinking of joining a choir for pure enjoyment. Something I haven’t really had in music for a while.

This is the key here. Tuba is great. There is a reason we all play it. But there are many, many other ways to make music. And having something new and challenging to take on I'm finding is a joy. I took up lute several years ago, and I'm also making myself sit down and work on piano again after not playing at all since undergrad. It's humbling, but it's a wonderful process.

[Mary Ann]

This is a very helpful thread.

I too have been struggling with this since the 4yrs I have returned to playing. It's like the muscles on both sides of my face act as if they have no idea who the other is.

I know it's part muscular, part mental...it is still frustrating. I feel I can play well one day and the next it's like I am starting all over again. All I want is consistency. I am still looking for THE person to work with who will understand and help me.

What you are describing is dystonia, the on-off that occurs. I disagree that it is part "mental," depending on how you define that. It can be worse when we are tired or nervous, but that doesn't mean we are somehow "causing" it due to our mental state.
If you contact The Embouchure Project I think you will find exactly the kind of help you are looking for. They understand the neurology.

[prodigal]

Since then I’ve actually sat down to practice piano again and am thinking of joining a choir for pure enjoyment. Something I haven’t really had in music for a while.

This is the key here. Tuba is great. There is a reason we all play it. But there are many, many other ways to make music. And having something new and challenging to take on I'm finding is a joy. I took up lute several years ago, and I'm also making myself sit down and work on piano again after not playing at all since undergrad. It's humbling, but it's a wonderful process.

I need to hire you for continuo on our Corelli!

Relearning tuba after 15 years off is bringing me joy and a lot of fun, but I definitely needed the break from it.

[Sbg]

It does no disservice to the idea of physiological dystonia to entertain the idea that other factors can cause similar results. Which is to say, without a formal diagnosis from a physician it can be helpful to look at the phenomenon of suddenly not being able to play from a position of not knowing what’s going on, which is more likely the case.

Regardless, it doesn’t matter much about whether our psyches can express things through our bodies or vice versa, or whether they can be considered totally separate. It’s not like you can choose to go without one.

I was a few years into therapy back in the day when I got to a point at which I would hold my instrument and not be able to play it. It was, in my case, absolutely an emotional expression to have this problem, shown by the fact that if I did play it still sounded fine, I just froze before I could start playing. In both my case and Mary Ann’s, hearing us playing was no longer available.

Not to make a point, but to offer a little sympathy without having to defend a position: I went through this as well, and discovered that for me it was best to put the tuba down and start a new career. My office has a bookshelf with the standard literature of my field, and leaning on that bookcase is a tuba in its case, maintained enough that I can pull it out and make a couple sounds once I’m ready. I’m not ready, but that’s because, in my specific case, I’m much happier not playing right now. Turns out it didn’t really want to be the kind of musician I was in the first place.

In conclusion: you do you!

[royjohn]

It's been about four years that I've been playing tuba more seriously and joined a Brass Quartet at Church, playing about once a month. I've also found a tuba, a Piggy, that works great for me. At times when playing with the group I experience great pleasure. Simple slow pieces where everything is in tune and progressing wonderfully. It's really a great joy.

Why am I posting this in this thread? It seems like the OP's playing was hobbled by mental stress and not all that much fun. If I felt that way about my playing, I'd certainly consider quitting or at least taking a long break. When I was young, a singing teacher told me that in his sixties he'd had a realization that some things just needed to be sung out with joy and openness. It took him that long to figure this out.

Wishing all of you joy and fulfillment in your musical endeavors and the strength to give up those things that don't work well for you. If you loeve something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was.
Best,
royjohn

[Stryk]

I got slapped in the face with it a couple years ago. I have worked my way through it for the most part thanks to a plastic straw, basics, rest, and going back to where I started with mouthpieces. It is very frustrating and I wish you the best on your journey.

[anadmai]

I got slapped in the face with it a couple years ago. I have worked my way through it for the most part thanks to a plastic straw, basics, rest, and going back to where I started with mouthpieces. It is very frustrating and I wish you the best on your journey.

Straw?

[Stryk]

I got slapped in the face with it a couple years ago. I have worked my way through it for the most part thanks to a plastic straw, basics, rest, and going back to where I started with mouthpieces. It is very frustrating and I wish you the best on your journey.

Straw?

YEP - that's how it starts - blowing into a plastic straw for days. Then I slipped the straw into the mouthpiece and pulled it out, then no straw, but making the horn make the sound, not your lips. Odd concepts to me, but it has worked and I can play again. At about 70, I'm nowhere near the player I was in my 20s, but I'm good enough to still play with groups I enjoy.